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invisiblyreal's Blog


For all those people who actually read my blogs

I'd like to say thanks to you all for reading and following my blogs and would like to hear what you think of my posts. I'm considering writing a book and getting it published, any thoughts?

Words

Why do words matter so? If what is writ, is not what we feel then why should we care? words, words and more damn words... The cold black letters on white sheets of paper do stare out harshly, never caring and never knowing their own meaning. It's as if words are a mere substitution for things we wouldn't just give, an "I'm sorry for your loss" rather than a comforting embrace or touch, an "I'm happy" rather than a smile... Do actions no longer have any significance? Can we not cry openly and freely, can we not dance and laugh and touch and trace and paint? All that matters to them are words, empty, hollow words that say not what is meant, that hide what is truly there.........

Bottled up

"You idiot. How could you not understand it when I said hurry? You simple minded, daft..."
"Now, now Richard. Calm down. She couldn't have gotten that far," Kyle waved him off.
"She escaped Kyle. She could be anywhere by now, those fields go on for miles. How do you expect to find her?"
"I don't, I'm not even going to look for her," he replied without a single ounce of care in his eyes.
"But we have to look for her, she can't make it out there on her own," Richard pleaded.
"She was dumb enough to run away, she'll come back if she knows what's good for her."
"You absolute moron! Did you not see the wild crazed look in her eyes?! She's gone mental because she missed her dose and now you're just going to leave her out on her own?! She could get hurt out there, or worse, she could even die."
"That would be problematic," Kyle mused, still showing no sign of actual care for the girl.
"Problematic?! That would be problematic?! She's a person Kyle, not some thing or other."
"Alright, fine then. I'll send out a search party in the morning," Kyle sighed and walked away, leaving Richard completely shocked and frustrated.

Richard stared down the long driveway and through the gates, she was out there somewhere and she was probably terrified. He was beside himself with worry, every second he had to spare was wondering if she was alright. As the sun went down, he couldn't help but think of all the times he had shared with her. Nicky, he thought, where are you? He thought back to earlier in the day when the stranger had told him to let her know – was it that obvious that he had feelings for her?

The stars were shining faintly but it gave him no comfort, he could already tell that this was going to be a long, sleepless night for him. Kyle was being of no help at all, carrying on as if nothing at all had happened that day, this made Richard question his decision to keep her here. But he had no other options, everyone else did not have the means to take adequate care of her and taking her home with him would not work well because of his relationship with Christina.

Christina was an amazing woman, perfect in everyone’s eyes really and she loved him but he just didn't feel the same. Absolutely everything about her annoyed him, from her dark unreadable eyes to her pretentiousness to even the manner in which she would walk. At first she intrigued him, but she was too secretive for him to handle. Beyond the mask she wore daily was a dark well of secrets. No one ever knew where she went during the day, no one knew her family, no one was even sure of her last name. Everyone could tell you of what an amazing person she was, but no one knew anything about her at all.

In the beginning he was hooked on her, he couldn't be without her, but she was a poisoning him all along. She secured her place in his life, becoming indispensable. She took care of every facet of his life, making sure he couldn't leave her. Not only did she have him pinned financially, she ringed in on the social arena too, if he even mentioned leaving her he would be pressured back into her arms or he’d lose every friend he ever made and his family would turn on him without a second thought.

His phone rang; he didn't bother to answer it as it was probably Christina who was calling. He wasn't in the mood to hear her voice, in fact he never was but today he just couldn't find it in him to answer. 

The dance

"Please," she begged, "don't leave."
"What reason could I possibly have to stay?" he scowled.
"I... I need you..."
"And where were you when I needed you, huh? You never returned my calls and you ignored me for weeks, what am I supposed to do? Just bend over backwards for you because 'you need me'? Please, you don't need me, you just need someone to take the fall."
"You don't understand..." she whispered as he walked away.

The memory faded from her mind and she sighed. She knew she had messed up her chances to be with him, but she felt like she had no choice. It was better this way, that he hated her, but she just wished she could be honest and let him know. Things had never been this hard and she couldn't handle all of it. It was too much and she just did what she thought best: distance herself.

She hated every second of it and the hurt looks that turned into glares just made it worse. Her everything  was hurting, but she couldn't bare the thought of dragging him into her world of pain. She just wanted to protect him - if he found out about what was really going on, he'd probably lose it and do something stupid. Last time he tried to help her he ended up picking a fight and getting beaten and she would not let him do that again. He was utterly humiliated and all because she told him about her boss. But she realized that she couldn't push him away anymore because it was too painful to be without him, although now it was too late to do anything to fix it.

She picked herself off of the ground and decided to go inside. The wind blew cold and the sky was becoming dark from the thick, black clouds that were rolling in, it sent a chill up her spine. The warm wood floors of the dance studio hugged her feet lovingly, coaxing her further in.

The calm and quiet of the studio always brought about a stillness in her mind, everything just melted away. Two steps forward and one step back, a gentle twirl and soon she was in her own world, dancing to the slow rhythms of her heart. All her pain and sadness became a new step in her dance, the emotion pulling her into a spellbinding series of movements.

There was nothing more than the flow of emotions running through her veins. Time stood still and she was trapped in a seemingly eternal dance. Swaying to and fro, extending her arms and pulling them back towards her, all the while her feet gently caressing the floor with their light and steady steps. She could care less if she looked terrible or if her movements seemed awkward, they were her own and she felt a sense of relief from the pain in moving about the way she was.

Thunder sounded and rain came crashing down, her steady beat changed from that of her heart to that of the rain. Each drop making a sound as it crashed to the earth, all the sounds came together to form a melody she was sure that only she heard. Her steps quickening and slowing to the rain's pace. Soon she closed her eyes and fell headlong into a trance-like state, tears came rushing from her eyes while she just danced on and on.

Nearing exhaustion, she slowed down and gracefully dropped to the floor opening her eyes as the dance ended.  She heard clapping and felt embarrassment wash over her as she turned to see who had been watching her. She couldn't believe that her love was there standing at the door.

"What are you doing here?" she asked him without hesitation or thought.
"I thought I'd find you here. And I did." He smiled for a brief second before his facial expressions became unreadable.
They both fell silent and all that could be heard was the rain outside. It being obvious that she couldn't find the words to say, he sighed and sat down beside her.
"I don't get it. I came here because I needed to get some closure and end whatever it is we have nicely and then you had to be dancing... I just forget everything when I see you dance, its like there's nothing else but you and I start to yearn to be in the same spotlight. I thought that I could just say goodbye and forget all about you, but the truth is I can't. I can't get you out my head and its driving me crazy. I have no idea what game you're playing or what you want to achieve but I can't take it much longer. Please tell me what I did wrong or what happened. I can't bare to see you so unhappy but you pushed me away like I was nothing to you... And then you called me up and say, all of a sudden, that you need me when you obviously didn't... What am I supposed to think?"
He shook his head and sighed in frustration.

The words started to build up in her throat but somehow she couldn't say anything, eventually she just started to cry. He wrapped his arms around her and she buried her face in his chest. He stroked her head and held her tight as she sobbed. When she finally stopped crying, he whispered in her ear, "I love you."
She looked up into his eyes and whispered back, "I love you too."
With that, he wiped away the tears on her face and kissed her, making a promise to himself to stay by her side no matter how hard she tried to push him away.

Inside

The harsh sunlight beat down on him as he was returning home. The day had been long and hard and all he could think about was getting home. The screams still sounded in his ears and even though it was boiling, his blood was ice cold. Days like today, were days in which he would forget his own name. Perhaps, he thought, there was nothing to call someone such as himself.

The walk to this point on the road had taken hours and he still had hours to go. The road was a slick black snake lying between fields of wheat and corn, slithering in the heat. He sighed and wiped his brow, flashes of happy memories flooded in with each pulsating wave of heat that knocked into him. Gone was the grip of ice cold terror as he recalled his beloved and his children. He could almost hear them calling out his name "Simon"

He sat down on the side of the road for a while, resting for just a few moments and hoping that a car would come past. The stillness about him made him uneasy, the peace and quiet wasn't what he was used to after the months of being in a battlefield. Everything had stayed the same but he had changed - the meaning of life and what it means to live was different to what it used to mean.

The breeze blew hot air in his face and he took it as a sign to carry on walking. Questions started to arise in his mind. Would things still be the same when he got home? How big have his children gotten? Was the really old cat still around? The ache in his heart worsened as more and more questions arose, questions that could only be soothed when he got home.

Every step forward brought both hope and worry - the knowledge that he would be closer to home and the dread that things could have changed. The road kept winding and the heat was growing as it reached the middle of the day. The two conflicting emotions eventually surfaced and he broke down crying, it was all just too much to take in, that it was finally over. It seemed to unreal, too much like a dream to be true. He thought that soon he'd wake up back on the battle field with but a photograph of home.

The tears poured from his face, seemingly pulling forth the tears he never shed while out on the battlefield. He cried for his youth, he cried for his love, he cried for the lives of his fellow soldiers and he cried for the men he had killed. Everything came crashing down around him on this road home.

The silence gave way to the sound of a car approaching. Wearily, he picked himself off the ground and wiped at the still descending tears. The car stopped before him and he walked over to speak to the driver. The windows were tinted and he couldn't see anything inside until the driver rolled down the window.
"Do you need a lift? There isn't anything down this road for a long way."
The man speaking was irritated but was trying to be polite.
"Please, if you don't mind" Simon sounded defeated and emptied out.
The passenger door opened and Simon got in. He noticed that there was a girl lying with her head on another man's lap on the back seat. She murmured something and moved about in her sleep and the man whispered to her "shhh" Her face seemed familiar, he deduced that she must have been in one of his 'visions' that have been coming to pass.

"Kyle, could you please go a bit faster? She needs to have her meds soon and I'm all out." called the man from the backseat.
"Just shut up! You've been going on about her medication for the past two hours, I'm sure she'll be just fine if she takes them a bit later than usual. Besides, Richard, we have to drop this gentleman off," Kyle paused, "uhm where is it you stay?"
"About an hour's drive from here," Simon replied, deep in thought.
Richard groaned, his concern and impatience getting to him.

Suddenly Simon realized where he knew the girl from, the memory came flooding in:
It was in the middle of the war and he needed to speak to the general but he was busy speaking to someone else in the room, the door was slightly ajar and he could hear all he was saying.
"You see my dear sister, this whole operation was to gain control and take what is rightfully mine. People live to serve, its their purpose in life, but some, like me are the ones they have to serve. People need to be told what to do and how to do things, they don't know any better and it makes things easier if they don't know that they have control over their lives. Imagine the chaos if each person knew what they wanted and the power they possessed. No my deary, I have to be the one to tell them how to live their lives. I was born to rule over everyone. It is my destiny."
Through the gap in the door Simon could see the general lifting up the head of a girl, lifting her from her seat and dragging her limp body towards his desk. He caught a glimpse of her face and saw that her stare was vacant and there were bruises all over her stick thin body.
"See all my plans? Its beautiful and all of it shall be mine... Just you shut up, okay? I never asked for your opinion, so shut the hell up!"
From there the general let go of his sister and started pacing, shouting for someone to shut up when all that could be heard was the general's voice alone.

Simon snapped back to reality and looked over at the girl, she seemed so peaceful just laying in Richard's lap, far from her insane brother who would soon rule the country. He had heard stories about her, that she was possessed by demons and that she was a complete lunatic but seeing her now made him think otherwise. He knew what the kind of trauma she must have been through could cause, he had seen the catatonia in her eyes plain and clear. In his mind he ran a list of symptoms and treatments for catatonia and then halted halfway realizing that his life had been consumed by the war. Med-school was just a distant dream that never got finished.

Richard shot him a protective glare when he saw Simon staring at her.
"You should tell her," Simon said to him.
"Tell her what?"
"I see the way you look at her, you should..."
"What? Tell her that everything will be ok? Because the way things are going she might have a breakdown from not having her medication," Richard interrupted loudly, glancing over at Kyle and back at Simon. Simon took a moment to understand the nonverbal signals that Richard didn't want Kyle to know about his feelings for the girl.
"Give it a rest! God you're impossible! Next time you're driving and I'll whine about everything." Kyle was reaching the very last reserves of patience he had.

"Stop here please," Simon told Kyle.
"Here? But there's nothing here."
"I know my way from here, its not far to walk if I go through the fields."
"Alright" Kyle shrugged and stopped the car.
Simon got out and disappeared into the crops, losing himself in a maze of corn and thoughts.

Halfway between the road and his home, he stopped, suddenly filling with dread. Something didn't feel right but he pushed himself to keep going. He started running and fell to his knees when he found his house charred and burnt almost to the ground. Rage took over him and he pounded at the ground with his fists. This had been no accident, someone had planned this. He should have known that this is what he'd find when he saw the smoke coming from the direction of his house a few days ago.

Before now he only wanted to live peacefully and quietly but something inside of him ripped open, he had to fix this somehow. The grief was overwhelming but it had struck a chord - too many have died in vain just so a psycho could satisfy his need for power and control. His whole life he had been living in the shadows, the time had arrived where he would have to lead others into the light. His vengeance would be insufferable kindness, for he knew that to stoop to their level would only cause more pain and suffering.

The question is: how can he make himself known so that he could outshine the victor?

The fact that all he had gone through and just ended up with nothing and no one to live for, hollowed out his soul. Purpose and meaning couldn't be made from it unless he did something, but how could he do something with a broken soul, damaged mind and no reason to carry on?

He closed his eyes and lay in the remains, waiting for a reason, a message, for anything. The sun set and night took over, the air turning cold and wrapping him in the embrace of death's daughters and the lost souls. 

***

The car pulled up in front of a big mansion and as it halted Nicky's eye's opened wide. Without a word she sat up and looked around, her eyes getting even bigger from fear - the shadows were everywhere and she couldn't escape them. 

Kyle got out first and opened her door, she bolted without a moment's hesitation. The gate at the bottom of the driveway was closing and she had to get out, get away from the shadows that lingered here, the ones that whispered tales of terror and the horrors of humanity. She looked over her shoulder briefly and saw Richard arguing with Kyle before she sped up, heading straight for the closing gate. The guards tried to stop her but she slipped from their hands, through the gates and she continued running down the road.

She kept running until she couldn't breathe, only then did she turn to see if the shadows had followed like they always did. There were no shadows in sight, just fields upon fields of wheat and corn that glinted gold in the last rays of the sun.

She turned to face the sun, soaking in its flaming orange beams. Rose petals floated down all around her from the beams. She could feel them, smell them and touch them but she knew that they weren't really there - just as the shadows weren't really either - yet still she responds to them as if they were. Colors were more vivid and 'real' when she was in a state and even though there were new dangers that didn't truly exist, she found she could be left in absolute wonder of the beauties that weren't truly there, longing for everyone else to see those things that her mind conjured up.

The sun burst into a million sparks that flew up into the sky and a silver bird unfurled its wings and flew off, unveiling the moon and everything else faded into a nothingness - this is how night would always appear to her, before she had been forced to take her pills, before she had been shut in the isolated room. She shuddered remembering being trapped in her cell, the long periods of being unwilling and unable to move and of the visits she received from her brother, she had missed seeing the sky, sunset, sunrise and the bright moon.

Unexpectedly, the silver moon bird came to her. It landed right in front of her, glowing faintly and singing its sweet melody, it was tiny and could fit into her palm. She bent down and held out her hand to it, letting it hop onto her finger. It flapped its wings and turned around calling out for something or someone. She followed its gaze into the dark nothingness and saw a trail of light appear, leading somewhere.

Not sure of what to do, she wandered into the fields just following the light. She didn't care if all of this was purely her imagination, there was a reason she was seeing what she was, she just knew it. Many times before a trail of imagined light had brought her to safety or to a place she felt she was destined to be.

She kept going until the light faded away and then she stopped, somewhere in the middle of a field, lost. The bird called out once more before disappearing into thin air. She was about to panic when she heard the low mutters of someone talking to themselves. Concentrating on the sound, she navigated her way out of the fields towards the voice.

The muttering soon turned to sobs and she called out tentatively, "He-hello?"
"Go away. Just leave me be. What more do you want from me?" came the angry response.
"I'm sorry, but I'm lost. The shadows, they were everywhere and... And... I had to get away. I ran as fast as I could and now I don't know where I am..." she bit down on her lip, realizing how scared she actually was.
"Well, I don't even know where I am anymore either - so it looks like we are both lost," his tone softened when he heard her voice trembling.

It got colder suddenly and she shivered, the clothes she had on did not provide much in terms of warmth. "Where are you? It's a dark and I'm frightened."
"Hey, it's alright. Just follow my voice and I will stay by you until dawn. Why don't you tell me your name?" he gently called out to her, his voice a bit choked by the tears he had been crying.
She stumbled about in the darkness, eventually bumping into him and he steadied her. "It's alright, I won't hurt you," he whispered as he pulled her to sit down beside him.
She cleared her throat and said, 'My name is Nicky."
"I'm Simon."

Silence enveloped them, but she felt quite comfortable with the stranger. Her entire life she had to deal with strangers, never really knowing anyone and he didn't seem all that bad compared to some she had come across. Every now and again, she'd reach out and touch his arm just to reassure herself that he was there. Each time she touched him, he seemed to get startled by her presence. Soon she drifted off to sleep, too exhausted to dream.

The sun's rays warmed her as she awoke at dawn. She was covered in ash, every inch of her was grey and black. Next to her Simon was the same, she almost didn't see him as he blended into the ground but the rise and fall of his body as he breathed revealed him to her. His face was tear stained and she guessed that he had been crying the whole night through. Even in his sleep he looked tired, worn and scarred.

A gust of wind blew, carrying the ash into the air and when the wind died away, the ash came down like the glitter in the few snow-globes she had seen. The  surrounding area was the embodiment of death and despair but with the orange-pink sky and the ash raining down around her, she was filled with amazement and wonder - this time it was something real that was happening, she wasn't imagining any of it and it was beautiful.

Wanting to share the moment, she gently shook Simon awake. He was about to make a fuss when he saw the look of sheer awe on her face. To him she looked as if she was made of solid silver and the sky was raining tiny silver flecks. The sun was rising from behind her and she seemed to be glowing. For a few brief moments he forgot all his pain and just marveled at how everything was around him - a colorful sky raining silver, fields of golden crops and a woman made from a precious metal.

It was all so surreal and only lasted a few moments until Nicky became just a girl covered with ash and the fields were just of wheat and the sky was it's usual daytime blue. Nicky seemed to be deep in thought and this piqued Simon's curiosity.  She had just started chewing on her bottom lip when he interrupted her train of thought, "What is it?"
"Hmm? Oh. Well, its just that seeing something like this usually means I've missed taking my meds but you saw it too, so... But I guess I'm still not right. They had to take me back to the institution a week ago to get me out of.... My... State," she looked down at her feet, embarrassed by her thoughts, "if my brother had been there on one of his visits, I would have still been there. It's really a blessing that they took me out of that place, even if the person who is housing me has an ulterior motive."
"I'm sure Richard doesn't have an ulterior motive," Simon tried to comfort her.
"Richard? No, it doesn't seem like he has. I don't see why he is helping me, it just doesn't make sense. Kyle is the one who has other motives than helping me. I'll let him have his way because I just can't go back..." she shuddered.

Silence enveloped them again and they were both left to their thoughts. The air surrounding them was becoming warmer and heavier, almost like a blanket was being pulled tighter and tighter around them. Nicky turned about slowly, trying to see if she could spot a path or a road. There was nothing but the fields and the massive ash covered ground before them. She sighed and sat down. Simon stared at her for a while, wondering if she was the sign he had been waiting for, the full embodiment of his new found purpose.

She looked up at him staring at her and asked him, "So, what now?"
"I suppose I should take you back to where you are supposed to be. I know I probably am not in the position to ask for favors, but do you think you could get me a place to stay?"
There was a slight glint in her eye and a small wicked smile flashed across her face for only a second before she gently nodded her head and smiled warmly and broadly, "Sure, I'll try my best."
He held out his hand and helped her off the ground. He took her hand in his own and said softly, "The fields get very confusing, this is the only way I know for sure you're right behind me. I promise I'm not trying anything with you."
With that he turned and pushed through the wheat, dragging Nicky for a few seconds as she got over her initial shock of his sudden movements. The wheat went on and on and there was nothing else aside from the brief moments in which she could see the whole of Simon's back.

Eventually he pulled her out onto the road, with the gate back to Kyle's mansion not too far ahead. Nicky looked at Simon in amazement and he simply shrugged and told her it came from years of walking through these fields. Finally, after years of wondering what was beyond those gate, and all because of the girl, he has the chance to get inside.

Relief

The guard came in at supper time, remembering to be careful and not to push her further into her numb state.
"I brought you some food" he spoke softly and hesitantly.
She remained still, not moving from her position on the floor with her back towards him. He walked over and found that she was asleep, with tear stains clearly visible on her face. He was both relieved and unnerved by this - it had been weeks since she had last expressed any emotion, but the fact that she had been crying worried him.
 
He shook her awake and she cried out in pain.
"I'm so sorry, are you ok?" concern clearly marked on his face.
She groaned a bit and sat up saying weakly, “I’ll be ok"
"You don't look so good, is anything the matter?" he pushed gently searching for answers
"I'll be fine" she said, trying to smile but ended up wincing instead
"Come, let me take you to the infirmary" he pulled her up and she screamed in agony and burst into tears
"Please," she sobbed, “it hurts"
"What hurts?"
She fell silent for a few moments and restrained from crying any longer, “Nothing... It was a moment of weakness, of delusion. I am fine"
"Delusion or not, you're still coming to the infirmary. We can't take any risks. It’s bad enough that you refuse to eat until you start shaking uncontrollably"
 
She relented and let him walk her to the infirmary down the corridor. It was a month since she had been moved nearby the infirmary due to the fact that she kept fainting and having panic attacks. Since then she had been without incident, just to prove a point.
 
The guard sat her down on the bed and waited until the doctor came. When the doctor came in, he was surprised to see her there.
"What seems to be the problem, Nicky?" he asked her.
She turned away and said nothing.
The doctor turned to the guard for an answer.
"She says she's fine, Richard, but I can tell she's in pain. You better check it out"
"Thanks Josh, you can go now"
 
Josh left and the doctor focused completely on her. He brought out all the equipment and set it out on the table.
"It's been quite a while since I've seen you here, you've had everyone talking. There's something different about you, if only the tests didn't show the results that they did, I'd...." he shook his head
He checked her blood pressure, pulse rate and reflexes, "Everything seems fine, let me just check your chest, you tend to be quite prone to getting lung infections"

He took out the stethoscope and lifted her shirt a bit to place the stethoscope on her chest. The blue-black bruising on her stomach was unmistakable. As the stethoscope dropped to the floor, he said, “Good god! What happened to your stomach? Did you do that to yourself?"
She looked at the floor and mumbled “I’m sure he didn't mean it"
"Did someone do this to you?" he placed his hand on her shoulder, "Hey, you can tell me anything, Nicky. It’s alright, I promise to keep it a secret."
"He.... He... Kicked me and then left" she shuddered and bowed her head “What does it matter? It’s not like anyone can do anything anyway."
"Don't be like that, there's always a way. So who did this to you?" he knelt down on his knees and looked into her eyes
A brief flash of anger clouded her face as she replied with bitterness "My own brother"
His face turned ashen and he stuttered “Surely, sure, surely, that can't be true"
 
She burst into a fit of hysteria, laughing and crying at the irony that was her life, "Oh but it is. My sweet, sweet brother. Oh so charming and such a delight, how could it be him? It’s not possible! But just look, can't you see the marks?" Insanity took over and she stood up laughing and twirling round the room, dancing with the pain, rage and despair before blacking out.
 
She awoke in lying in a bed, her head throbbing and everything was a blur.
"Good, you're awake. After that fall, I thought you had gone into a coma"
Her heart started racing and she started shaking - it was HIM.
"The doctor will be here soon, try to stay awake this time"
"Where am I?" she whispered, trying hard to wake up properly.
"At my house, where you will be safe. I cannot believe..... Why, though?" he trailed off into deep thought.
Footsteps sounded from close by. "Ah, Richard, she's awake. What is your diagnosis?"
"Awake? That's good news.... She seems to be suffering from severe anxiety and a severe head injury but overall, she seems to be alright"
 
Her vision cleared and she could see the room she was in: huge glass doors that led out to a patio, white curtains drawn back, soft cream colored walls and beautiful paintings along the walls with the frames matching the cupboards and bedside tables. She sat up and rested her quaking limbs in a more comfortable position. He sat down beside her on the bed and said to the doctor "Would you mind fetching those pills? She looks like she needs them."
 
Richard nodded and left the room.
"Nicky, why didn't you say something sooner? I could have stopped all of this. Your brother would be long gone"
"Please Kyle; I don't want to talk about it"
"But Nicky, I could have put him away, locked up in the cells he put you in......"
"I don't want to hear it Kyle." she said nonchalantly
"Just think of how much better things would have been."
She turned to him "That's enough!"
"He wouldn't have had any say in how you live your life and..."
She interrupted, "And the whole military operation would have failed. You would be nothing more than a low life struggling to make ends meet and the country would have been under foreign rule. Do you think I wanted that? I'd rather he take it out on me than have everyone's lives put at stake. The miserable creature actually has a role to play and you of all people should know. After all weren't you the second in command?"
He got up at that "You don't know what you're saying; that man was a curse upon this earth and you didn't say anything. You're just as guilty as he is!"
 
Just then the doctor walked in "Here's the... Oh sorry am I interrupting something?"
"No, you aren't. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a meeting to attend," Kyle said with disdain and left.
Richard looked at her quizzically but handed her the pills without a word. She popped them in her mouth and he gave her the glass of water. After she had taken the tablets, he pulled out a chair from the dressing table and sat down.

"Is everything alright?"
"To be honest, I don't even know anymore. My head's throbbing, I'm staying in someone else's house, was close to being in a coma, my love life sucks and I'm a freak, who’s supposed to be in a mental institution."
"How bad is your head throbbing?"
"So bad I can't even think straight"
"I've got some painkillers..."
"Please don't leave me here alone; I've spent enough time trapped all by myself in that ridiculous room. I'm alright; I don't really need those painkillers"
"It’s fine, don't worry, I've the painkillers here with me."
"Thanks" she said as he gave them to her.
 
Not long after, she fell asleep with the doctor by her side. He got up from the chair and sat down beside her on the bed. He stroked her head and placed his hand upon hers, watching her all through the night before retiring to his assigned room.
 
She slept until late afternoon and woke up screaming. The light shining into the room was bright and all she could see were shadows. Adrenaline rushed through her veins at the thought that they were after her again - the relentless shadow figures from her darkest nightmares.
 
"Nicky, just breathe. You're safe; no one is going to hurt you. It’s alright. Calm down," she heard Richard's voice coaxing her.
"Go away demon! Get out of my head! You aren't fooling me. I'm still asleep but I'll wake up soon" she lashed out at unseen forces and winced at non-existent blows.
"Nicky, you are awake. Stop trying to fight the shadows, they aren't real" Richard tried again, knowing full well that it was hard to get her out from one of her episodes in which she'd  hallucinate.

"Richard, where are you? I...... I can't see"
"I'm right here, Nicky. Open your eyes, the shadows are gone now."
She opened her eyes and sat up, her breathing and pulse slowly returning to normal.
"How long was I.......?" she was too ashamed to finish the question
"Not that long this time, about maybe ten minutes"
"Ugh, I hate it! I can't control any of it. I'm left completely at the mercy of the images in my head and no matter how hard I try, I... I'm still scared out of my mind"
"Don't be so hard on yourself, you can't control everything in life and you're making progress"
"Progress doesn't mean normal." she started to cry.
 
Richard pulled her out of bed and took her to the patio, holding her tightly as she cried. He hummed a tune and swayed side to side, doing his best to comfort her.
"Do you think I could ever be normal?" she asked when she had stopped crying.
"No, you could never be normal"
"Oh" she whispered, trying hard to control her emotions.
"You are extraordinary, absolutely amazing, and not so crazy for someone who is supposed to be insane."
She smiled and closed her eyes, resting her head on his shoulder.
 
He held her close, feeling each and every breath she took and the constant beat of her heart. It felt magical in a way, to hold someone, deemed extremely violent and unstable, in such a delicate and gentle embrace. She traced patterns on his back, sending tiny ripples up his spine, somehow making him feel like he was the one in need of comfort and she was making him feel safe.
 
He didn't know how long they had been standing there like that for, but eventually his arms got tired and he felt sleepy. The soft glow of the sunset resonated within him as he let go of her and headed back to his room. She stayed on the patio, watching as the sun set and watching as the stars blinked into life. When the last ray of sunshine had gone, she looked to the full moon and swayed with the cool breeze, humming a song she heard as a child but had forgotten all the words to.
 
"Christ! Nicky! What the hell are you doing out there? Its dark, get back inside now!"
"Hmm? Out where?" she sang softly before she stopped swaying and turned to him "it’s only as dark as you want it to be and I'm feeling the moment; I've almost forgotten what the night sky is like. It’s beautiful, is it not?"
"Feeling the moment?! What nonsense! Come back inside. We don't want you to have another one of your fits again, now do we?"
"Kyle... Just never mind. It’s not like you'll ever know what it’s like to be locked in the same room for days and days." she said bitterly before returning to her bed.
"That's better, see? Safe."
"You like that, don't you? When everything is 'safe'?"
"Don't get like that with me Nicky," he warned.
"Or what? You'll send me back to the institution? You know what having me here means for you, I'm just a bargaining chip to be used when the time is right."
"Bargaining chip? No you are far more than that..."
"What am I then?"
"My security" he leaned over and whispered in her ear, "You'll see that in time things are going to change and it will all be because of you"
"Get out! I don't want to hear any more of your so called great plans for the future and I refuse to be a part of it"
He pulled away, "In time you'll see"
With that he left and she lay her head down. She stared at the ceiling for most of the night, planning what her next move should be.
 
The darkness felt comforting - even though it's where the shadows lurked and the demons found you at your weakest - it was what she knew best. The light revealed things that were unexpected and left her feeling unsure, but the dark she knew - everything could either be thrilling or absolutely terrifying, life was on the edge and you would be constantly running. Running - always running - flirting with the dark and hiding in the lighter shadows, never to touch the light for fear of what you'd find. She turned to her side and sighed, briefly wondering how good the light must feel, even if it did leave you completely bare.
The tension started building again - another bout of rage coming on, another feeling she couldn't repress as well as the others.
 
"Please," she whispered in the dark, "I don't want to be a monster anymore. Please cure me, please..."
She heard the flick of a light switch in the hall and light crept in from around the door. The handle turned slowly and someone came inside, the light pooling in around whoever it was. Her eyes widened and the feeling grew stronger, all-consuming and mind numbing.
 
"Please leave now; I cannot control what's happening to me."
"That's precisely why I cannot leave: because you can control it." Richard's voice was calm and sure.
"Leave now" she muttered bitterly, barely able to control the rage. He didn't move and stood watching her, with the light coming in around him.
"I'm not leaving."
 
Fear combined with rage added an intensity that made it hard for her to stay lying down. She got out of bed and walked up to him, her jaw clenched tight and her hands curled into fists. She stood in front of him, the light from the hall flooding in through her eyes, illuminating the twinge of madness and trauma. She glared at his figure before her unable to decide how to react. The rage had taken over her before and she could not do anything to stop it, watching from behind her eyes as she caused destruction.
 
"What are you going to do?" he whispered, a touch of fear was in his voice even though he stood tall and wore an expressionless mask.
She turned her head and smiled wickedly.
"I do as I please," her voice had changed into something malicious, " you see, as it is, you had been warned and you chose to stay. Should I be insulted that you clearly do not know of my power, or amused that you care for the pathetic creature that this body belongs to?"
 
"Nicky, you can control it. Do you hear me?" his voice quivering and she could hear his heart start to race with fear.
"Foolishness! Do you honestly think SHE could do anything?" she laughed wildly, flinging her head back and releasing her fists, "Let me tell you a little secret: I really like you; this means I could either let you run or I'll take you for myself. The choice is yours."
He took a step back into the hall, trying hard to keep his composure but he knew full well what she was capable of.
 
"Nicky, you can stop this madness. You can control it. Please tell me you hear me" he was begging and pleading while he backed away.
"How cute that you believe the pathetic thing actually can control me. Breaks my heart to see you go against the facts and think she can do something with her worthless life." she stepped towards him and ran her left hand along his face, cutting into his soft skin with her nails without effort. He found himself backed against the wall and unable to escape.
"I want you. Your fear excites me.... But Nicky wouldn't be too happy with me taking you, would be too annoying if she grew a spine..." she turned her back to him and examined her nails that were tinted red.
He was frozen in place.
"Do you need an invitation to leave?" she called over her shoulder and with that he ran back to his room.
 
"Hey Nicky, what do you think? He's quite attractive, no?" she strolled over and turned off the light in the hall. "Ah, much better. It’s lovely - the darkness... Imagine all the things that are done in the black of night... Nicky, don't be like this, say something like I know you want to. Fine, be all silent. I'll still have my fun without you. Hmm, where oh where could I go..."
 
She slipped back into her room and tried the handle for the doors leading to the patio - they were locked. Without hesitance she ripped the doors open in one fluent motion. The night air rushed in around her, the icy grip of the wind pulled her outside and she found herself perched upon the balcony, gazing at the tiny stars in the sky. The silence of the witching hours soaked into the very core of her black heart, allowing for a focused meditative state in which she could plan her vengeance.
 
"I see you have broken my lovely doors again Nicky" came a voice from behind her.
"Kyle, how nice of you to join me," she said before swiftly jumping of the rail and landing before him, "Just a simple warning: don't you dare call me Nicky. I will not stand to be compared to the pathetic creature, you understand?"
"What is it that I must call you then, my dear?"
"Hmm... Call me... Fury"
"Fury? Alright then, it gives me pleasure to meet you once again, Fury."
She laughed, "The pleasure was all mine. I had such fun making a mockery of your men..."
He said disdainfully, “You broke the strongest of my soldiers and I'm still having a hard time recruiting more."
"Still? After all this time?" she said with mock disbelief.
"You, my dear, are truly wicked."
"Why thank you." she curtsied and grinned.
 
The stars started to vanish as dawn approached slowly. "I see it is nearly morning. Are you going to stand there like a fool, or invite me to breakfast?"
"I do apologize for my inconsideration. My dear, would you care to join me for a meal?"
"I would be charmed" she held out her hand and he took it, leading her back inside towards the kitchen.
He turned on the kitchen light and drank in the sight of her - an aura of power and madness seemed to make her increase in size. He knew he should be afraid of her but he couldn't help his desire to be close to her. Her instability and strength acted as a magnet, drawing him towards her.
 
"Fury, my dear, what would you like to eat?"
"Whatever there is on offer."
"I can whip something up for you, let me just see what is in the fridge."
"Sounds good to me... Kyle if you don't mind?"
He sighed and held out his arms so she could get a better look at him. She walked around him and examined every inch of him. "Hmm, I see why you make her nervous..."
"What?"
"Don't worry your pretty face over it, just go on and serve me my meal"
 
Kyle proceeded to cook for her while she watched him, never taking her eyes from him for a second. He felt her eyes on him and felt his excitement growing. "Hope you like eggs” he called over his shoulder.
"It’s better than the food down in that hell hole" she said with disdain.
"Hard woman to please, I take it." he said nonchalantly.
"Depends in what manner you intend to please me..." she examined her hands and he saw the blood on her fingernails.
"Did you cut yourself?" he asked with a hint of worry.
"Oh please, like I would do that when others blood can be spilt. That doctor - Richard, I think it was- he is quite a catch if I do say so myself."
 
Kyle froze and felt his jealousy become sparked, "Oh. Why would you say that?"
"No reason..." she placed her hands on his back, feeling him become tense and noting his pulse rate as it started to accelerate.
"Fury dear, as much as I do enjoy you being so close, I do prefer you when you aren't about to draw my blood from my flesh."
"No fun. But I do suppose you are feeding me and giving me residence... So alright, I won't spill your blood." she backed away slowly.
"Thank you and your food is just about ready."
He dished up for her and she devoured her food using only her hands.
 
"Not exactly refined, are you?" he asked raising his eyebrow.
"Do I need to be? I mean it’s just you and me here."
"Well... I just would have expected you to eat like a normal person." he cleared his throat.
She laughed and patted his cheek, smearing a bit of egg on his face, "We both know I'm far from normal."
He wiped the egg from his face "You disgust me."
She leaned over and whispered in his ear "I do more than just that to you, Kyle. I can see you want me bad, but I don't want you and this upsets you."
 
She bit into his neck, hard enough to leave a bruise, but soft enough to not let him bleed. When he tried to hold her to him, she darted out the kitchen, laughing. He tried to catch her, but found he had lost her. Giving up on the chase, he decided to go speak to Richard about her.

He forcefully opened the door to Richard's room and found him in front of a mirror dabbing at deep cuts on his face.
"She is out of control." Richard gave as an explanation.
"She is quite dangerous. What set her off this time?" Kyle asked, trying hard to sound as if it troubled rather than excited him.
"You actually." Richard said with as much accusation as he could muster.
"Hmm... Really?" Kyle mused, thinking of how he could use this knowledge to his advantage.
"Kyle, she's unpredictable. Do you really want to let that side of her come out again?"
"Think, Richard, of all the possibilities... With her on the battlefield... It would be magnificent."
"Kyle," Richard said sternly, "The war is over, there is no one left to fight other than your allies." 
"Allies? They never helped at all. All these laws, for what? A peace that won't last? Please Richard, save your words for someone who cares."

Outside the rain came pouring down, the thunder sounding in the distance.
"Kyle if you don't care for what I say, then would you please leave? You have no business striking up an argument with me while SHE is on the loose."
"SHE has a name. It's Fury" her name rolled off his tongue, he was loving the taste of it.
"Well, FURY is somewhere wreaking havoc and need I remind you of what happened last time..."
"Last time she was but a young confused girl Richard. She has grown since then, she should be able to control herself." He shrugged as if it didn't matter.
"She could cause more damage than ever before, Kyle."

The power went out and thunder boomed loudly. Richard shuddered at the sound, while Kyle grinned. The tension in the room grew and both of them stared at each other, waiting for the other to speak. Lightning flashes lit up the room every now and again, the suspense increasing with each flash.

A small woman with mousy brown hair rushed into the room panic stricken and out of breath, "Blood. Everywhere. She... She."
Both of them turned and said in union, "Fury."
"Kyle you stay here and take care of this poor woman, I'll go find Fury to see if..." Richard paused and turn to the woman, "Where is she?"
The woman broke into a sob and replied, "The dinning room"
Kyle held the woman as she cried and concealed how he truly felt  (the excitement and thrill he felt was not considered normal in this situation and the frustration at being told to stay away was eating at him, a weakness he couldn't afford to reveal) while Richard ran down the passage to the dinning room.

Richard saw her sitting hunched over in the center of the huge table. The only movements he could see was the rise and fall of her body as she breathed and a red liquid was dripping into her already drenched, wild hair. Above her, hanging from the chandelier, was an animal coated red with its own blood. The white table cloth was splattered with red and there was a blood trail that lead down another passage.

He approached her cautiously, not knowing who it would be sitting on the table. He came next to her and stood for a few moments, trying to steady himself. She didn't move and continued to just breathe, seemingly unaware of his presence.
"Fury?" his voice shook and he reprimanded himself internally.
There was no response.
"Nicky?"
Still she remained in place. He climbed onto the table and shook her gently to get a response, but had no such luck in obtaining one.

He lifted her head and found her trapped in a vacant stare. He pulled her into his lap and looked over her - her hands were painted a sickly red and her clothes sopping wet from the rain. He cradled her head against his chest and murmured, "I'm so sorry Nicky. I don't know what to do or how to help you. I can only imagine what it must be like to be trapped like this."

She heard his words from afar and felt his touch but she just couldn't move, couldn't come back into the world. Fury had her cornered again and she did what she could to get control out of her hands, but it was too much.

The breeze blew against her ever so softly and hummed the lullaby that brought her comfort - it was safe here, here in this beautiful place built by her mind. The green hills rolled by and butterflies danced to the tune. The sky was a baby blue and the sun never set. She closed her eyes and breathed in deeply - the fresh air from her mind mingled with that of the blood, rain and of Richard's scent from reality. The tune became louder and finally she could hear the words:

I'll sing you a lullaby,
a soft lullaby for you,
and as the sun sets
your dreams will awake

I'll sing a song for you,
a sweet melody
and as the night comes
your eyes will close to the world

Deep in my heart
there is a place I know
where you will be free

Hush now, my darling,
be still, my dear,
and I will take you there

As the sun sets
your dreams will awake
and as the night comes
your eyes will close to the world

Time faded away and she found herself drifting along a stream of memories. Everything around her was blending into everything else and then fading away. She sighed and let everything go, barely able to hear Richard calling her name from afar.

The numbness spread itself slowly around her, all of her limbs immune to pain and unmovable, becoming a seemingly separate entity to her. Emotionless and disconnected, Nicky found herself in a bubble looking out through unblinking eyes. She could observe the world without being a part of it and this state of being gave her a sense of relief. Life itself was put on hold and she could just exist in her mind effortlessly.

Trapped

The door slams shut and he finds her lying on the ground, eyes glazed over and body as limp as a rag doll.
"What happened to her this time?" he called to the guard outside her cell.
"No one knows, she's been lying there for days now. She only moves a little to eat. She won't say a word." the guard called back, his voice muffled by the door.
He squatted down beside her, "What is wrong?"
She kept on staring blankly ahead of her and muttered softly in her mind,"you could never understand. You come and go as you please, shout and punch and kick your way to the top, while I'm stuck here because I got in the way." Her voice was hoarse, dry and lifeless, sounding only in her head.

"So its my fault you're like this? You were the crazy one. You messed up everything and until you get better, this is where you belong" he stood up and paced. He shook his head every now and again, his anger building up slowly.
She clutched at her chest and moaned inaudibly, her eyes never moving and trapped in a vacant stare.

After a while of pure silence he stopped and turned to her "Do you have any idea what having you here, like this, does to me? Do you think that I'm just peachy, knowing that you're being pathetic like this? God woman! Get this into your useless mind: I'm not happy! No, far from it and its all because of you. Get up! Get the bloody hell off the floor so I can go back to where I'm supposed to be and don't tell me you can't"
'Can't" she whispered, effort and strain causing her voice to be softer and more fragile.
"Yes you fucking can! To hell with you! I care so much and this is how you repay me?!!! You pathetic piece of shit!.... You know what? Just stay on the floor like the rubbish you are. See if I care. You're the one stuck in this hell hole and do you know why?" he paused and gripped her by the throat, lifting her head off the floor  "Because you're a malicious, knifing bitch who could care less to help me and so now you can feel what its like to suffer" he dropped her against the floor and stared her down, but her stare remained vacant, even though tears spilled to the floor.
He stood up and kicked her in the stomach, but she didn't move and continued to stare blankly ahead. He laughed with a touch of insanity and said "See? You belong here. I found the perfect place for you. Can't you see what a nice person I am?"

He stroked her hair and kissed her head before knocking on the door to get the guard to open. As the door opened his smile faded and concern took over,"I'm afraid there's nothing I can do. I'll come back soon to check up on her."
The guard shut the door behind him and the girl sat up instantly as if something in her mind clicked. With anger so strong it shook her body and made her voice drop low she said, "Hell will come haunt you each and every night. You hide and plead innocent and run from the consequences of you're actions, but you cannot run from fate forever.  I have no fear, it is not me who is trapped but you."

Words of the broken lover

Had I a wish, a dream that never ends, you'd be here with me. For too long have you been gone, its been centuries since we last touched and the cruel brush of fate keeps me from you. The winds whisper to me, telling me that you, indeed, are alive. Moments come and go and sometimes its almost as if you are here with me but it is nothing more than a memory made alive by desperation and despair. These waters are crashing against the walls of my sanity, but  it is not something I can control, as much as I wish I could. Please put an end to my suffering, be mine once more before I lay in the arms of the reaper at the end of my final life. There is nothing more for me, not another destiny or fate, I shall be in deaths cold embrace once again but this time I shall not leave his arms as you left mine.

Duality and things perceived

Everything in this world is subjective, some truths apply to everyone but how they are interpreted is determined by where people stand. Values and core beliefs are the basis of society, when having the most and being powerful is valued above everthing then, of course, that is what people will strive for, even if its at the expense of other people. We develop systems and set standards for ourselves, but it wouldn't change much in the world until others adjust their own values and beliefs.
People are driven by their desires but are repulsed by things outside of their comfort zone. Those things that are seen as unknown, are the things that scare and drive fear into our heart and so the unknown is the darkness that surrounds us. The problem comes when we desire something that can only be found by going out into the darkness, where we are both attracted and repulsed by the thing we desire, conflict and confusion arise and we are forced to either face our fear or give up on our desire.
Everyone searches for the light that is of everything and everyone and contains everything and nothing, but most times we don't know that that is what we search to find and so we turn to the outside, physical world instead of looking both within and without. We so badly feel this inner need at times that we turn to things such as greed, drugs, violence, envy and spite to satisfy it but the satisfaction only lasts briefly.
Nothing but the soul lasts forever, this life is temporary and so is everything in this life, such is experiences. The up made temporary by the down and visa versa. We experience things as well as their opposites, deeming one thing bad and the other good, this of course is determined by what it is we love and what it is that we fear. Nothing is truly good or bad, everything has its role in the world for how can we know beauty if it weren't for the things we are repulsed by? How are we to know what happiness is without knowing sadness?
Everything has a purpose in our lives, every choice made and everything done makes us who we are but it does not change what we are. So we strive to know what it is exactly what we are, difficulties arise because perception determines where we are in our spiritual journey to find ourselves and that changes constantly (identity crisis) and sometimes it is so drastic that it is hard to cope with life on a 3 dimensional level when what we are dealing with is from the fourth dimension (or matters of the soul).
Change is the only thing that is constent as things can never be the same or remain constent and as we grow mentally, emotionally and physically, we realize that we can't be the same person we were, we realize slowly that there is more than only the little bit of knowledge (also referred to as the light in our lives) we have, to learn. People tend to focus more on growing emotionally and mentally rather than spiritually, to learn about oneself is probably the scariest thing to learn as only we, ourselves, can tell what is right or wrong about ourselves, nobody else can and so that knowledge cannot be passed on and accepted by society.

Breaking down

Absolutely drained. I have just shut-down now, my mind clouded and tears line my eyes, ready to fall but the push to get them to is too much to ask. Already had a nervous breakdown earlier today, if this goes on its only going to get worse. Where am I going to find time? I am hanging by a thread, coming home late every day is taking its toll, and being around my dad is taking more than I have left, I'm emptied out. I've pushed past my limits, I don't know how much more I can handle, I feel weak and sick. I give in, teachers can try to teach but I can't understand anymore, I read over questions over and over but to no avail, my mind refuses to co-operate, not sure what I'm going to do for the tests I still have to write and I don't know about homework either. I try and try and try and hope it gets me somewhere only to realize that once I'm done I have to start all over again, more tests, each and every step I take there's another test, whether it be with things at home or with friends or with myself or at school. I've had next to no personal space, no time to relax fully, responsibilities piling in and won't cease. Yes, look at the strange girl who can't hold it together, mock her and make jokes, because she is just being dramatic and needs to get over herself, what's so hard about school? I wish it were so simple, I wish I didn't have to deal with this much but the truth is I do and right now I just can't, the instability, the not knowing what's next, strikes blows to my fragile system. I'm strong enough to live, but not to smile, strong enough to stand but not to walk, strong enough to pick myself up but not to carry my load.
I'm completely out of sorts. I would ask for help if it were what I needed but all I need is time to myself, a day or two, not an hour that I get if I happen to wake up in the middle of the night.

My prayers for today alone

I have two eyes and I can see that he has had too much to drink, his eyes are bloodshot and he reeks of booze, he was out again until the early hours of the morning. He drives recklessly, going into the wrong lane and speeding up around bends in the road, each time I pray that I don't die and each time he thinks it a joke. My little sister in the back seat doesn't understand that it is wrong, she knows not about the fact that she could be killed, I pray for her, I pray she may remain ignorant for that much longer, I pray she may stay alive and I pray that she won't be harmed.
We get to his house and he starts swearing and shouting at the first person he sees, my sister hiding in the bathroom and I in her bedroom, I pray he does not shout at me, I pray he doesn't shout at her. He gives her food then steals off her plate, saying she is greedy and selfish, he knocks her papers to the ground while she is trying to do her homework and plays music loud while I try to study, I pray that we can get any work done. He orders me around and asks me questions I don't know the answer to, only to prove me inferior and incorrect. We bicker and each time he wins, I can't walk away and I can't stand on my own two feet.
I get home and I get punished for being inconsiderate and miserable and I pray I won't have to go back but I know that by the end of this week I will be stuck there for a full 3 days.

The sickness (small fragment of the story which I accidently started)

The wolf lowered its head into her lap as she sat near the entrance of the cave. The rain pouring down hard, its sound deafening but he could still hear her as she spoke softly.
"I don't understand how you could trust me so much to lay in my lap. You know of the sickness that runs through my veins and yet you stay. So many come and go, never knowing of what it is that haunts me, or even that I am plagued by something," she stared out at the rain for a bit before continuing," Sometimes it fades and I can feel magic so pure flow through me, but other days it is so much to bare that it is all I can do to stop myself from tearing myself to pieces. This sickness of mine.... I never can tell if it is but a figment of my imagination until it grips me by the throat and forces itself into my system, pulling me into darkness, taking me from my pain ridden body to a place devoid of everything."

The wolf looked at her face with a sad expression in his eyes and she stroked his gentle head, trying to reassure him
"This  sickness is not one that can kill, hurt or destroy, it is merely the burden I carry. You see, the high ones do not wish for me to have a mind of my own, I have no inner light soul that they can control, for I channel its energy, and so before I ran away they poisoned me and the only cure is that which I cannot simply obtain, he is long gone by now...."

The wolf seemed puzzled and weary and she laughed, "It is high time you went to sleep my little pup. I have the perfect lullaby:

For a promise made
never to be kept,
to steal away

Sleep, now sleep
My lone-ly one
This long ghost dance,
Has just begun

With a silent howl
Without a goodbye
He got away
Never to be seen again

The image dances in your head
Through the tears that have been shed
You can see them come and go
Pale as white as snow

Moving like the wind
Swaying slowly
Each of them in sight
But he is not with them
 
Sleep, now sleep
my lone-ly one
This long Ghost dance,
Is a lonely one

You can wish
And you can dream
But as the dawn creeps
They will fade away

Sleep, now sleep, my love
my lone-ly one
This long Ghost dance,
Is nearly done

In another place
Into the emptiness of gray
It will vanish from your sight
In the dead of night

A memory of spring
Remember everything
And I will see you again
I will see you again oneday."

The witch

The pendulum swayed from side to side, its green stone shining faintly from the glow of the flames. The chain that held the stone was a silvery-white this time, as opposed to the black string she had used last time, dangling the very same stone from her finger tips. Her eyelids were softly closed, but he knew her eyes' color - a blue-grey with the slight undercurrent of green. A moonstone hung around her neck along side another that he could not tell as the second one's chain dipped below the neckline of her dress, it made him wonder what other secrets she kept hidden beneath the costume she put on for the outside world so she could be accepted.
The smell of incense overwhelmed his senses and soon he found himself giving in to the mood of absolute calm and stillness. He sat there and studied her for a while, drinking in the sight of her in the surronding smoke: her hair had streaks of gold and white that only revealed themselves when the fire shone bright, the painted crecsent moon above her brow was an unmistakable bright blue, her lips were pale and pink like tiny rosebuds and her high cheek bones were emphasized by the pieces of her long hair that had fallen out of place and framed her face. Soon his attention wandered back to the chain around her neck, thinking about what it was that she didn't want him to see. Bones perhaps? A locket? A simple glass bead?
"Blood stone" came her sweet, childlike voice as she spoke without even opening her eyes.
"What?" he asked surprised.
"What hangs on the end of my second chain is blood stone. You came here to have questions answered and so I will answer them, but not without a price of course"
"I gave you all I had left to answer the one question to which I have had no reply," he felt his impatience rise with each word he spoke, "And now you answer questions that have not even passed between my teeth, what more could I possibly have left to offer for something I never wanted the answer to?"
"Each time you come, you ask the same question and I give you the same answer, but it is one you are not willing to hear and so now I answer the questions you never think to ask. You think that it is all a secret, that no one could possibly see what goes on in the very depths of your being, but I can tell you now that that is just a lie you keep telling yourself, for I can see everything as if it were clear as crystal," she paused and opened her eyes slowly,"you can't run from the truth."
He sighed and looked away, her intense gaze felt like she was examining his soul and seeing the side of him he had hidden so well. The fire crackled and he turned to see if it needed to be stoked, it was surprisingly still burning boldly and brightly. The cool of the night air avoided the two of them as if it were afraid of even the slightest touch of either one of them.
She turned and faced the fire, "Tell me, why is it that you come here?"
"I don't know, it just... Well, calls to me. I know the answer to the question I ask and I know it all too well, but I feel like I need a reason to visit here" with that he shrugged his shoulders and lay on his back to watch the stars, as they were choked by the smoke, before he drifted off to sleep.
She whispered to him while he slept, "You never did ask my name and yet I know yours too well, I shall tell you it now, even though it is dangerous and forbidden. My name is Lila and the price I ask for you to pay, is but a favor: I want you to return every now and then because a witch never has visitors, no matter how hard she may try to fit in, she will always be other."
She kissed his forhead gently so he would not stir and then she knelt beside him, placing her pendulum back into her pocket before removing the second chain from her neck. She squeezed the stone in her palm one last time before placing it on his chest, tracing over its smooth surface as she said,"May this stone protect and guide you as you continue on your journey. Goodbye."
When she left the smell of incense followed wth her and the fire died down, all traces of her disappeared except for the blood red and emerald green stone laying across his heart, moving with the steady motions of his breathing.

A farewell

She looks out her bedroom window one last time before she packs her suitcase. She sighs as she zips it closed, all the baggage she carries is not just in the suitcase. She's packed that suitcase so many times that for once she wished she never had to. Pausing for a moment to take everything in, she glances at the door knowing that when she goes through it, she won't be coming back the same person. Finally she picks up all her things and walks out the room, closing the door behind her. Her finger tips linger on the handle, a tear forms at the corner of her eye and a wave of emotion surges over her. Any strength she thought she had has dissipated in that single moment of closing that door. The few steps it takes to go outside are spent in tears. She dries her eyes and walks into the sunlight putting on a mask of happiness and bravery, while inside she breaks into a million pieces. Her bags are heavy and the road long but she hopes that she can hold on until it is safe to let it all go.

My destiny awaits me.

And so it comes to be that fate has brought me to my knees in the land of plenty. A river of hope and faith streams through my veins tying me to my destiny. There is more than what I had originally thought. My eyes forced closed by a simple piece of cloth so that my heart can lead the way. I need not shout for a simple whisper can be heard as if it were the loud thunderous boom of an oncoming storm. This is my path and my destiny nothing could steer me from it. I hold with me not a sword or shield just a pen and paper, for words hold immense power far greater than any physical object. I speak not of magic but of the manifestations of ones own thoughts.
For so long I have thought that I was to be of service to the universe, but I had it wrong, it was always there to serve me. Every breath and scar I could ever have had is what fate has given me but it has been all the things that I have done that has made me who I am.
All that has come to pass has brought me here and many times will I venture out into the world only to come back to this place within. Home has never been a place, its always been a feeling, so long as I remember who I am I will always find myself at home even in lands unknown to me.
Before I painted my flesh to prepare for war, once again I pain myself but this time not to fight rather to allow my scars to fade with the help of the dark nights and without them being worsened by the harshness of the light of day. I shall wait until I am strong enough to continue on with my path and my wounds have healed. I can feel it with every heartbeat, my destiny awaits me.

Where to now?

I think I have finally accepted that I have the solutions to all my problems, which is great but now what? I am having endless conversations with myself (no I am not talking to the wall, just the other part of myself because I know the wall can't talk back) and I know all my strengths, weaknesses, doubts, insecurities, goals and desires and I know where I'm headed, so I don't think I'm going to find anything new by introspecting and trying to improve myself and constantly push myself is not working as I am stubborn and refuse to let go of my insecurities because I just can't and won't. Which is a lesson in itself, because there is a time and place for everything and I can't fix what isn't broken. I crave mental stimulation and opportunity to grow but I'm growing tired of myself and hearing my voice talk back to me because I seem to have outgrown those around me (I'm the one giving my parents the advice, they don't know what to say to me anymore when I face an issue because I know myself too well).
I've hit a stop street but the scenery is getting boring and I don't know where to go next, there is no inner pressure or any major problem that needs solving to show me the way. I've read so many books and I just cannot read anymore, I've gotten everything I could want or need and don't desire of that anymore and its school holidays so learning about something that is relevant to the beginning stages of a career is out of the question. So what now? I'm limited because I can't drive anywhere, I can't work on anything new, I can't do anything worth doing and I'm bored. Content but bored. No drive to do anything, no ambition to achieve anything, no determination and no dedication for me to have any idea what to do with my time. I've resorted to cooking, cleaning and even knitting because boredom is getting to me.
Where do I go from here?

The anger that went to sleep

It is so hard for me to express any anger I have its like I feel it for a few seconds before it "goes to sleep" for long periods of time. I would need a week of being able to scream and shout and throw things for all of it to come out and then it probably still wouldn't be enough. But I just don't know how to let it out, I get upset but I contain it. Keep calm, stay cool and be collected, there is no reason to get upset, accidents happen, people mess up, it isn't a big deal so why get upset?
Waitress gets the order wrong, its fine, pen leaks during a test, its ok, sister won't listen to a word I say, it doesn't matter, phone freezes, its not such a big problem, can't stop the phone from ringing because its frozen, I can deal with it, phone finally responds but only certain keys work, I can handle it, earphones break, no problem really, dad starts his nonsense again, I can just keep it calm and when I accidentally burn supper, its alright. Two weeks later and what happens if anything at all goes wrong? I am reduced to a long crying spell that takes about an hour or so to come out of and all because I would not allow myself to be angry. The extent to which I repress my anger is really quite huge, if I try to scream it out not a sound will pass through my lips, if I try to throw something my arm will stop midway and my grip tightens rather than lessens, only thing that works so far is crying but I am so tired of tears and silent rage. I wish I could punch doors or yell at my parents but the only thing standing in my way is me. I don't want anymore random outbursts where I black out for a few seconds and realize I had just slapped whoever happened to be near me (mainly my sister, she tends to find ways in which to set me off, I feel like a ticking bomb).
I need anger management classes, or at least some advice would be great.

I am impossible to please

"What do you want for a present?" If I knew you wouldn't be asking me, because I would have made it clear. I have everything I want and need in terms of things, there is nothing you could buy me that would make me the happiest person alive because I don't want more. I try so hard to find things to want to make it easier, so that I don't disappoint anyone by not being extremely happy when receiving a gift.
I want everyone to be happy and feel that they make me happy, nothing makes me feel more alive than spending time with someone I care about. I just want a smile, a hug, a laugh, a chat and to be thought of, that's all I ever crave, not being places, not getting things, not anything else other than making someone else happy.
It drives me insane trying to make sure that I appear pleased with a gift on my lap but the person who gave it isn't even there to give it themselves, so that everyone can say "oh yes, she absolutely loved the gift". No I don't love the gift, I love the thought, I would be much happier if I never opened the box so that I don't feel pressured to need to love it, to show my appreciation.
The secret to keeping me happy, is spending time with me doing whatever it is you enjoy doing because making someone else happy is the best feeling in the world. Memories live through lifetimes, things break and fade. Time is the most precious gift you can give me.
Still even as I tell those I love that spending time with them is all I want, do they want to buy me stuff and I feel as though I disappointed them because that is not what I wanted but the its the only way in which they feel they can show that they care. It would be easier if they got me things with a story behind it, because I am sentimental towards things that held value for someone else, not for things bought new in attempt to appease me.
I'm so annoyed with myself for my lack of ambition and lack of drive, I just look at my brother or sister and they know exactly what they want and I have no idea what it is that I want. Sure I want to learn, I want to love, I want to be wiser, I want to be stronger, I want to be more open, I want to be less judgmental, but can anyone give me these things? Can they be wrapped up? No they can't be given by anyone, I achieve these by myself and so what can I do to let other people feel like I appreciate them when they come baring gifts I never thought to want?
I just want them to know that they make me happy. Just too hard when the language they speak is of material things.


Among the autumn leaves

Sunlight filtered in through the leaves, small beams of yellow gold were scattered by the cold breeze. Flaming leaves flurried down from the heights and swirled all around her. She just sat and watched hugging her knees to her chest, shivering as the silent sobs erupted. She could not remember the reason for crying, but it felt good to release the emotion pent up inside. The drops of clear silver ran slowly down and landed on the bare skin of her knees, she had no memories, just an ache inside her heart.
The rustle of the leaves eventually caught her attention and she lifted her head to catch a glimpse of the sun with her swollen red eyes. Two white butterflies came into view, trapped in a delicate dance of moving together but remaining apart. Her gaze wondered to all that surrounded her from the orange-red leaves beneath her to the massive trees of the woods. She was alone save for the two small butterflies.
She knew not of words to say, her mind was a blank page. Slowly thoughts flowed in, most of which where incoherent, the rest just a confused jumble of words. The flow of thoughts turned into familiar tunes even though she was certain she had never heard these songs with her ears, she knew all the words. She closed her eyes and swayed with the melody, letting the music take over completely. The song was growing louder in her head, the sound of the crunching leaves beneath her feet and the blowing wind do not reach her ears.
Twirling and swaying with her eyes shut, completely oblivious to the world around her, she finally understood the dance of the butterflies. The pace quickens, her heart starts racing and the rush sweeps throughout her being, until she collapses exhausted on the ground. She laughs as she finally opens her eyes, joy wrapping its comforting warmth all around her.
The sun starts to sink below the horizon, its red rays setting the autumn leaves on fire leaving the sky with an intense passion. Lying amongst the burning leaves she allows her eyes to close once again as she takes in a deep breath, filled with the dance of life and feeling it pulse through her blood. The pounding of her heart drowned out the mumbling and she had no idea that she was not alone, until she was being picked up and carried. She was too tired and invigorated to mind and she happily let herself be taken away. The sound of another beating heart and the warmth of another person washed over her and soon she slept peacefully all signs of the heart ache she felt earlier had gone.


I've been trying to write more uplifting stories, more meaningful ones, here is just an example. Hopefully I can get it better, to be more emotive but I do think it was a good try. I still think I can do much better though....

1-19 of 19 Blogs   

Previous Posts
For all those people who actually read my blogs, posted March 18th, 2014
Words, posted September 11th, 2013
Bottled up, posted January 18th, 2013
The dance, posted December 31st, 2012
Inside, posted November 18th, 2012
Relief, posted October 1st, 2012, 1 comment
Trapped, posted September 30th, 2012, 1 comment
Words of the broken lover, posted September 27th, 2012
Duality and things perceived, posted September 23rd, 2012
Breaking down, posted September 13th, 2012
My prayers for today alone, posted September 11th, 2012, 1 comment
The sickness (small fragment of the story which I accidently started), posted September 8th, 2012
The witch, posted September 7th, 2012, 1 comment
A farewell, posted August 9th, 2012, 1 comment
My destiny awaits me., posted July 23rd, 2012
Where to now?, posted June 27th, 2012, 1 comment
The anger that went to sleep, posted June 22nd, 2012
I am impossible to please, posted June 21st, 2012, 1 comment
Among the autumn leaves, posted May 7th, 2012

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